Nap Time For Now--But This Is NOT Goodbye

WooHoo!! It's November 30th! I must admit that there were times this month when I thought this day would NEVER arrive!

NaBloPoMo has been good for me, I think. The most I'd ever posted in any previous month, was 13 times, and generally far fewer than that. I always wanted to do more, and now I have. Yay! Admittedly, there were a few quality issues here and there, but overall, I think I did OK. I most likely won't continue posting on a daily basis from here on out, but I'm certain I will be writing quite a bit more than I used to.

I've also gained some new bloggy friends through the November marathon. This was/is probably the best thing about it. I love blogging because it is never just about me. There are literally millions of others who are doing the same thing--in their own fashion--and I'm telling you, nothing beats getting to know those voices. I enjoy it even more when it becomes an exchange.

Anyway, thanks for lending your ears! I'll be back after my nap.

Thursday 3 The "Three Good Reasons To Never Smoke Again" Edition

I have fallen off the wagon several times in the last week or so. I have to say that this may be one of the hardest things I have ever attempted to do. I really hate admitting this, as it makes me feel weak, but it's the truth. I wish it were as easy as simply making a decision to live differently, but that's only a part of it.

1. Disease. Various and numerous cancers, emphysema, heart disease, high blood pressure, etc.

2. Embracing life: If I can do this, MAN, I can do ANYTHING. The self-esteem that comes from going against (what has become my) nature, and creating my life differently--making a conscious, and self-directed life for myself.

3. The stink: I am tired of smelling like a smoker, and I want my own sense of smell back. I want the stink not to be the first thing that people notice about me.

I am working through this. Good thoughts are appreciated! I am trying so hard!

What's In My Bag: Or Only Two Days Remaining

Film from last spring that needs developing, my favorite kind of pens, tweezers--for rogue hairs, splinters, and what-have-you, a hairbrush, and Aveda perfume--It's not too perfume-y. I'm not a fan of too perfume-y.

Here we have the girlie stuff. I have a bit of a problem when it comes to lip-lube. It has happened on a number of occasions, say while sitting at a bar with friends, that I have been asked to pull out all of my balms, so that everyone could have a laugh at the sheer number I keep on my person. I think the most has been six or seven. Today was probably average with only four.

All essentials here. Isn't this EXCITING!? You are riveted! Aren't you?

Wallet, Checks (which I NEVER use or need--in fact, I have no idea why these are even in here) and sunglasses, in case. (The case is extremely important as glasses are one of Wooby's absolute favorite snack foods.)

Journal. I usually carry a much smaller notebook, but I've been using this one lately. I don't really "journal" any more, per se. My notebooks are full of random collections of notes-to self, the beginnings of poems that are rarely ever finished, various lists, such as words that I hear and like and want to use.

I always have this with me. Always. I have my eye on a couple of possibilities for an upgrade. However that, along with the Mac I've been positively salivating over for the past year, is going to have to wait until I am settled into a job. It'll happen.


Not pictured: A considerable number of receipts, random bits of paper, lint, my phone, keys, about six dollars in change, plastic dog-poop removal bag (empty), a nail file, tampons, campfire, and two mossy dog biscuits.

Between my keyboard and my guitar, my tendons are taking a serious beating. I did take keyboarding in high school--back when it was referred to as "typing"--but I wasn't very good, and never quite got the correct hand positioning right. I am self-taught with the guitar, too, and can tell by the return of shooting pains in my wrists that I am doing too much of "something wrong". Sadly, I can't take Ibuprofen, due to my stomach issues, and even more unfortunately, Acetaminophen doesn't have much effect on me. I used to use this emu oil based topical product, that was quite helpful, but I haven't been able to find it anywhere! I went to the health-food store this afternoon to try and find SOMETHING that'd work,and, lo, there it was! The blue stuff! It was a different brand but it works just as well. Yay!!

I haven't talked much about this of late, but I am STILL having no luck at finding a job. I am trying so hard to remain optimistic, but this is becoming more and more of a challenge. Perhaps school IS the best option for me. Lots of folks I know seem to think so. The problems with that are: More debt, committing to another 3--6 years of poverty, and no health insurance.

I've got to do something, though, right? I feel a real lack of purpose. It's thoroughly depressing.

I Always Knew I Belonged In San Francisco

I never once thought about Miami.(no offense Miami) Of these, I think SF, Austin, and DC are choices I'd consider. What about YOU?

American Cities That Best Fit You:

60% San Francisco 55% Washington, DC 50% Austin 50% Miami 50% San Diego

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

Seven Things--You Didn't Know About My Dog

I was tagged a while back with this meme, but for some reason I never followed through. I have decided that rather than bore you with more inane minutia about me, I'll go ahead and do it with some facts about my little dog, The Woob.

1. Wooby is a Cancer. She also, sadly, shares the same birthday as G.W.Bush. (July 7th)

2. I did not give my dog her name. (her real name is/was Polly) The name "Wooby" can be blamed on my ex-boyfriend, who refused to call her anything else. Anyway, she IS Wooby now, and it suits her.

3. I rescued her from a terrible breeder, who told me that the dog had "a little cough". It turned out that what she actually had was fungal pneumonia. I ended up having to spend almost $1,500 to make her well. (I know, I know I am a sucker) I don't generally adhere to the whole "buying" pets from breeders thing--all of my former dogs have been pound or found animals--but it was love at first sight. Plus the woman was the devil--I simply COULD NOT leave her there.

4. Wooby may not be the breed that I was told she was by the breeder. I thought she was a Brittany Spaniel. I was told that she was, in fact, a Brittany Spaniel. When she became an adult dog, though, she appeared to have more of the characteristics of a Springer Spaniel. They can be very close in appearance--so it's difficult to tell. Her ears are suspiciously and uncharacteristically long for a Brittany.

5. Her favorite toy is a "Zoe" doll from Sesame St.

6. She is desperately in need of a bath. I don't know what she was rolling in earlier, but it sure isn't pretty.

7. I used to bring home these gigantic, messy, juicy, short rib beef bones from work for her. It was like I was Santa. She would get SO excited, and then cloister herself under the sofa, gnawing to her little heart's content. And then they would just mysteriously disappear. I had assumed that she was burying them. Well, she wasn't. Quite suddenly the dog stopped eliminating. She didn't go number 2 for maybe five days. The vet said, "no more bones". So, no more bones for Wooby. This was a sad, sad day.

Bonus: Some things that Wooby, as a puppy, ate and survived: mountains of shoes, a good portion of a Christmas garland, poop, several plants, some carpeting, many stuffed animals, an eight-ounce filet mignon, 1/2 a can of powdered hot cocoa, the better part of a box of Froot Loops, several electric plugs, random letters and bills, several hair brushes, lots and lots of books, multiple candles, dish towels, socks, myriad food wrappers, trash, pillows, thousands of PENS, (clearly a personal favorite) lighters, her water dish, t-shirts, curtains, ANYTHING fuzzy, and so much more. Thank goodness she eventually grew out of this behavior. Stuffed animals are now her friends--not merely prey.

Very Funny Dogs: A Stupid Post

Ha ha.

Ok. I fully concede that I posted this out of desperation--because I HAD to post SOMETHING. I have tired of the NaBloPoMo, and am not sorry if, for the remaining days, I bore the crap out of myself and anyone who might find themselves here at ACL.

Give Me A Break....

.... Coming up with blog-fodder on a daily basis is no easy task!

("Friday Fill-Ins" courtesy of Janet, at www.fondofsnape.com)

1. I enjoy...A WELL-MADE IRISH COFFEE...more than anything else. (at least as far as beverages go)
2. Blogging satisfies my need for...COMMUNITY, CONNECTION, FINGER EXERCISE, AND THOUGHT ORGANIZATION.
3. When I look at a full moon, I feel...GRATEFUL AND HUMBLED.
4. If I want a snack, I usually reach for...TOAST OR CEREAL.
5. The most recent movie I saw, WALK THE LINE,...made me...GLAD THAT I'VE NEVER HAD A DRUG PROBLEM.
6. If only...I HAD THE MONEY TO BUY A BETTER DIGITAL CAMERA.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to...A SECOND THANKSGIVING... tomorrow my plans include...SLEEPING IN AND THEN TACKLING MY WRITING PROJECT....and Sunday, I want to...SUMMON THE ENERGY (AND THE WILL) TO START CLEARING OUT THE GARAGE.

Using Your Words

This is going to be a short post as I am stuffed to the gills, and experiencing the beginnings of the ol' turkey coma.

I was watching a video that a friend took at a party last week, and noticed that there are a few words that I tend to use a lot more than others. I have noticed this phenomenon, too, in my writing--here on the blog and also in emails. (Fortunately, the list does not include the word "like", though I'm sure it has at one time or another.) The three that seem to rear up most consistently were: "seriously", "very", and "anyway". Anyway, this has got me thinking. I mean it. Seriously. Very much so.

So I checked with Oxfordonline.com, to find out just how many (I think that "just" should probably make my list, as well) words there are in the English language. They said that the true number is unknown, but that it lies somewhere between a quarter of a million to three quarters of a million, depending on what one would count as a word. Do co-opted words such as Latin law terms, or French words such as "crepe", count? And what about words that have more than one meaning, or more than one function--as in being both a noun and a verb?

The point is that there are oodles and oodles of words to choose from. Buckets and buckets. I can do better.

Maybe I'll write more on this topic at a later time.

It has been spitting rain all day today--a thoroughly saturating and to-the-bone kind of precipitation--AND I think I'm getting sick. Perfect timing. Perfect. At present I am chilled and damp and would like nothing more then to be in the bathtub, and then in bed reading or watching a movie. Before I can do that, though, I have to brave the downpour one more time, as tomorrow is my nephew's 13th birthday, as well as Thanksgiving here in the U.S. So I'm off to find some Nintendo game or other to try and make up for the fact that he has to share his birthday with the entire country. Turning 13 is no small thing, after all. I want to find him something that he'll really love. Maybe it's because I'm female, but I always find it a lot harder to shop for him than I do my niece. He's quite bright so I try to encourage him with books, but I also want to get him things that HE wants, too.

Tomorrow we're having T-Day with my sister-in-law's family, and then on Friday, yet another Thanksgiving at my house. So I have to purchase all the stuff for that tonight, as well.

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Ask Me Anything---The Answers

Original questions (and links to the questioners (if available)) can be found HERE.

Let me fist say that I lucked out again with this sort of dumb AMA post idea. The first time I did it I had only been blogging for about a month, and hence, didn't have any readers but for a few of my friends. (Not that they don't count or something!)

Anyway THEY knew better than to force me to reveal anything that I maybe wouldn't have felt comfortable with sharing.

I'll admit that this time I chose to do AMA because NoBloPoMo was kicking my butt, and I honestly couldn't think of anything else to write about that day. So after I went back, cut and pasted the rules from the old AMA post, and the published it, I read it again, and suddenly felt a LOT exposed--at least potentially. What had I gotten myself into!? Needless to say, I won't be doing this--at least in the same way--again! Regardless, all of your questions are good and in good fun, so without further ado...

From Linda:
#1. What is your name? Laura
#2. What is your quest? To be content.
#3. What is the air speed of an unladen swallow? Before or after lunch? Well I think probably it'll move as fast as it can. That is unless it is enjoying a day off, in which case it'll move as quickly or as leisurely as it damn well pleases.

From Salsagrl:
#1. Is it spring yet? Indeed. In the southern hemisphere, at least. (I wish I was in the southern hemisphere!)
#2. Do you dance? I do. Not necessarily well, but I definitely do. I am assuming that you are an avid dancer--it being your moniker and whatnot. I wish that I could do your kind of dancing, but I have a few coordination issues, which can result in laughter on the part of spectators, and leads me to avoid it in general.
#3. Do you consider yourself to be brave? More and more so! Being brave is a way of being that I have spent a considerable amount of energy moving towards. I still have my work cut out for me--but I am doing it! Honestly, in one way or another, doesn't everybody have their work cut out for them in this department?

From Heavymoe:
#1. What is your favorite recipe to cook for yourself? I make a seriously mean potato-leek soup. And my apple pie is to die for, if I do say so myself.
#2. What author has most influenced your writing? There are so many. But probably it's Ms. Jane Kenyon. She has this amazing, bare bones economy of language that I am very drawn to. She is a huge influence and home-base for me. But you know, there are so many amazing writers out there.
#3. Where would you most like to travel that you haven't been yet?
Where wouldn't I like to travel to? I am all about going places. In particular, though: I hope that at some point in my life I will make a trip to India--all over India. I'd love to see New Zealand, Australia, Ireland, Denmark, Spain, The Serengeti... I'd really go just about anywhere.

From Nora Bee:
#1. If you could have a superpower, what would it be? To fly. Or to manifest chocolate cake whenever I wanted it. It's a toss-up.
#2. What was the last dream you had? I can't remember! I will tell you about one that I will never forget, as it puzzles me still: It involved me looking down at my open palm, and then I just started spitting my teeth into it. That is the entire dream. What the hell is THAT about?
#3. Do you have a shady past? Tell us a story. I don't really have a shady past. Hmmmm. I've done all the standard rule-breaking stuff, and maybe just a wee bit more... OH! I thought of something! One time in high school some friends and I took a car from a dealership. (The keys were in it! They were practically BEGGING us to take it!) Anyway, we did the whole joyride thing. It was nighttime, and we brought it back when we were done.

From Katie:
#1. Do you wish on 11:11, and if so what was the last thing that you wished for? Yes. And stars. For some reason I don't allow myself to wish for specific things. It's never, "Can I please, please have that red beach ball!" I always wish for things like "strength" or "courage" or whatever. That is so boring. I remember it was the same when I was a kid and being "brought up Catholic", I never felt justified in praying for "things". I think I've touched on something here! It's that retched Catholic guilt! Next time it'll be all about the Powerball, those shoes I covet, etc.!
#2. If you could open any kind of business (without worry for the finances etc.) What kind of business would you open? I think a small cafe. I have always thought about that as a (remote) possibility.
#3. If you were stuck on a desert island, what three food items would you want to have a never ending supply of? Something citrus--to ward off the scurvy, avocados--because they're delicious, and for the Omega acids, and chocolate. Think how well chocolate goes with coconut!

From Lila:
#1. What did you do last night? I watched a movie. Rear Window with Jimmy Stuart.
#2. Have you named your guitar? Your car? My guitar's name is "Guilda". Original. I know. But I am the same girl who, as a child, named her guinea pig, G.P. I call my car "the truck" It is pronounced almost like trook. If someone says, "hey, you got a hammer I could borrow?" I like to say, "hold on a sec, let me go take a look in my truck/trook". The thing is it isn't really a truck, it's a Forrester, I just like saying "trook".
#3. As you see it, what do you need the most right now? I could probably use a bit more in the way of social interaction. I wouldn't say no to a spa weekend in New Mexico, either.

From Kyle:
#1. How green is your thumb? I would say that my thumb is a nice kelly green. I have lots and lots of houseplants, and they are thriving.
#2. Are you happy? Today? Yes. Very.
#3. What is the last movie that you watched? Rear Window, last night.

From Janet:
#1. Tell me about your favorite song--why is it your favorite? This is such a difficult question. There is so much music that I love... So I'll talk about what I've been listening to lately. The Crane Wife, by the Decemberists, has really captured my attention. The entire album is so beautiful, almost mythical, and impossible to classify. It just isn't like anything else. It is contemporary, but it doesn't feel like it. They've taken The Crane Wife, which is an old Japanese story, and fashioned it into a number of songs on the album. It's about love, and loss, and irreversible mistakes, how we are all wounded, and what our wounds mean and cause us to do.
#2. When did you first hear it? I first heard songs from it sometime last winter, on NPR--The World Cafe.
#3. What is your favorite lyric from it? "My Crane Wife arrived at my door in the moonlight/ all star-bright and tongue-tied/ I took her in./ We were married and bells rang sweet for our wedding/ and our bedding was ready when we fell in..." I don't know, it's just beautiful to me.

Thanks everybody--for your questions!

"The Dream Of A Common Language"

I have been re-reading this lovely book of poems over the last few days, and feel compelled to share a bit of it here. In this piece it feels as if Rich has placed her finger at my pulse, and this is the rhythm that was found, that we share. Though it often can be, a "common language" isn't always a dream.

And to answer an "Ask Me Anything" question a bit early, yes, Professor J., this is where the name of my blog came from.

From The Dream of a Common Language, By Adrienne Rich.

But there are times--perhaps this is one of them--
when we have to take ourselves more seriously or die;
when we have to pull back from the incantations,
rythms we've moved to thoughtlessly, and disenthrall ourselves, bestow
ourselves to silence, or a severer listening, cleansed
of oratory, formulas, choruses, laments, static
crowding the wires. We cut the wires,
find ourselves in free-fall, as if
our true home were the undimensional
solitudes, the rift
in the Great Nebula.
No one who survives to speak
new language, has avoided this:
the cutting-away of an old force that held her
rooted to an old ground
the pitch of utter loneliness
where she herself and all creation
seem equally dispersed, weightless, her being a cry
to which no echo comes or can ever come.

Ms. 151

Me in my plum hat.

This is my 151st. post. Just sayin'. I mean that's saying something. (even if this post isn't) Just you wait until I hit 200! Woohoo! I'll make a HUGE stink then!
Have a great week everyone--I'll be back tomorrow. Hope to see you then.

Day 17

1. Today I am grateful to my father for sharing with me his love of the written word. There are many things in this life that I have passion for, but none so much as language. I cannot begin to imagine just who I would be, or in what way(s) my self would have taken shape if I hadn't been nudged, nay, PUSHED, to search this part of myself. Thanks Dad.

2. I am grateful for wool socks.


3. I am working (so hard) at being grateful for my (many) mistakes and missteps. (which will hopefully serve to illuminate more skillful ways in which to navigate whatever comes next, right? RIGHT?!)

That is all for today.

Just A Reminder...

Don't forget to look below at Thursday's "Ask Me Anything" post. And while you're at it--go ahead and ask me anything!! With all this posting, it's all too easy to get lost in the hubub. (is that how YOU would spell "hubub"?)

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

Numero Uno: My dog, The Woob. She is everything one could want a dog to be--and only a couple of things one doesn't. Pictured here, she is four months old, and as you may have noticed, she is VERY cute.


Number 2. A nice hot bath. I spend an inordinate amount of time in the tub. Often the first thing I do upon arriving home is to turn on those taps. It's warm and womb-like, and now, better than ever due to my fantastic new tub!


Number 3. Hot tea. I probably drink four cups a day these days. Chamomile is my favorite, (in particular, Tazo "Calm") but more and more I favor a strong Earl Grey with sugar and milk.


Numero Quatro. Kiss My Face Moisture Shave. After trying near to every product out there, I have determined that this is THE BEST of its kind. I didn't really want to advertise commercial stuff here, but I don't have a problem with nudging you towards this. It is truly fabulous. Good for you, good for the planet, and it REALLY works.

Number 5. Here's another product that I can't get enough of. Aveda Energizing Composition. It can be used as a massage oil, bath oil or for very dry skin areas. The best thing about it (as with all Aveda products) is the scent. Yummmm! I use this in one capacity or another, every day.


Number 6. This is probably my all-time favorite lotion. It smells delicious, and it really works. Also Pangea is a fantastic company--one of the best in terms of eco-friendliness. It is a bit on the expensive side, though.


Number 7. OK. Here's where I might be getting myself into trouble. I ADORE this hat. I have had it for years, now. It is soft and plum-colored, and was made for me with love. The problem is, I can't for the life of me recall WHO made it for me. I am a schmuck. (Katie?) It was either my friend Katie or Jill-- as they are my knitter pals. Anyway, it fit perfectly from the moment it came into my possession, has held its shape, and is extremely comfortable. I just wish I knew who to thank!


Number 8. I can't even begin to express how freakin' handy, worthwhile, economical, obviously eco-friendly, and all-around amazing this next fave thing is! GO NOW AND BUY YOURSELVES SOME RECHARGEABLE BATTERIES!!!! My friend Ron bought me my first set about a year ago, and I have been consistently amazed by them. We all know that digital cameras eat power like nobody's business. Well these babies last three and four times as long as throwaway batteries do. I use my camera a lot and that means I use a lot of battery power. I now have eight rechargeables, and that is all I've had to buy in the last year. This, as opposed to I don't know, maybe 14--20 landfill batteries? I had been skeptical that they would hold a charge, or last as long as the throwaways do. But they are truly BETTER. The only thing is that you have to remember to charge them!

Number 9. (number 9...number 9...)OK. As far as "things" go, this might be my favorite. The back story: My first guitar was an Oscar Schmidt It was brand new, cost around $200.00, and sounded about as good as one can expect a $200.00 guitar to sound. I played it for about a year, and as I improved, and the guitar, itself, didn't, I knew the time was coming for a better quality instrument. So one Saturday I went shopping. I brought my friend Michael along to stop me from making an impulse buy, as I knew that almost anything was going to sound better than the ol' Oscar Schmidt, and because I had $600.00 cash burning a hole in my pocket. Luckily, Portland is chock-full of musicians, and as a result, chock-full of music stores. We spent hours and hours driving around to all quadrants of the city, playing guitars, dodging the "pressure sell" from commission-driven sales-guys, and finally ended up at a smaller shop called The Portland Music Company. The VERY FIRST thing I noticed when I walked in the door, was this beautiful sunburst Guild on the left, high up on the wall. The second thing I noticed was that the sales guy was mellow, willing to answer all of my questions, and also willing to leave me the hell alone to touch and play with everything. I casually asked him if I might see the Guild. I was practically salivating. He got it down for me, told me it had a built-in pick-up, came with a hard case, and was made in 1976. I looked at the price tag--$585.00. The second I had it in my hands I knew that this was THE ONE. I strummed a few deep, rich chords, and then just looked up at Michael. He had the same exact look on his face.

So that's how I came into possession of (or partnership with) my Guild--my favorite "object" thing.

This post idea comes via Mrs.G., of Derfwad Manor, who understands that we all need some help with the posting every day thing, and that Stretch Armstrong was really, VERY cool. I, myself, had the Stretch Octopus which equaled Armstrong in coolness, and had twice as many appendages for stretching. (which was great until you stretched too far, and the gel began to ooze)

Ask Me Anything--

I really, really don't know what to talk about today. But talk I must. This is the horror of NoBloPoMo. So, due to a sincere lack of imagination, as well as a nicotine withdrawal headache,(and the accompanying impatience) I think I'm going to go ahead and take the narcissist's path. So it's "Ask Me Anything" Yet Again.

Here's how it works:
You ask me three questions, no matter how personal, private or random. I have to answer them honestly, I have to answer them all. You, in turn, post this message to your own blog or journal and you have to answer the questions that are asked of you.
Brought to you by Lauren, formerly of www.feministe.us

We'll give it a week or so.

Cross Your Fingers, Please

I am hesitant to write about this. A., I've talked about it here in the past, and B., I failed. Talking about quitting smoking seems foolish, and precarious at best. It really is something that one should probably accomplish and only THEN admit to.

However I can't think about ANYTHING BUT TOBACCO.

On my way home last night I stopped to buy cigarettes. I knew I had a dwindling pack in my bag, and that I would most certainly want more later in the evening. Cigarettes are not like milk. If you forget to buy them you don't just DO WITHOUT for a day or two. You'll walk to the grocery at two in the morning, in your pajamas in the driving rain, oh, and up hill both ways, if need be. So anyway one gets quite good at anticipating one's potential need. My motto has always been, "Be prepared". Is your friend who "doesn't smoke" coming over? His or her consumption will have to be factored in. Does your pet favor cigarette packs as chew-toys? Try to always have a back-up on hand. I am sorry to say that I have been a smoker, more on than off, for a truly absurd number of years. I have gone through years where I smoked very little, I've gone through fazes where I smoked quite a lot, I have even quit entirely on several occasions--once for over a year.

But I have always gone back.

When I was in the hospital, it was like a forced detox. You obviously can't smoke inside, and I was too sick to really want to anyway. SO WHY, two weeks later, when I went home sans the monkey, did I invite the furry fella right back up onto my back? "C'mon little guy, have a banana! I've missed you." And the sick thing was that I didn't NEED it at that point--I was just acting out of, I dunno, habit.

So there I was in the convenience store parking lot, keys still in the ignition. And I realized that I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to purchase ANY MORE cigarettes. I am tired of wasting money, I am tired of willfully damaging my health by making the breathing of smoke my hobby. The reality is that I am not getting any younger. I am also not becoming any less of a hypochondriac--believe me, the last thing I need to do is to feed THAT fire. I didn't think twice, I just backed the car out of the parking lot and drove on home.

So this was relatively unplanned. I mean, it is always in the back (or middle)of my mind that I need to set a date, that I want to/should stop, that it is insane that I am still choosing to do this on a many times daily basis....But I didn't PLAN to quit smoking today. It just sort of happened.

For some reason last night I was hit with a rare clarity. I smoked the last two in that pack, before I went to bed, and I haven't smoked all day today. This is not to say that I haven't wanted desperately, and I DO mean DESPERATELY to pull those lovely toxins into my lungs many times throughout today, or that the odds aren't stacked against me....
Regardless, I am going to try. I really am.

To Your Good Health!

The fabulous Mrs.G. of Derfwad Manor has this to say, and I think it wouldn't hurt you, dear reader, to have a look-see.

Trust your instincts, trust your gut, and above all, don't be blindly faithful to an MD. It's all about questions and answers. If your doc isn't open to your queries and concerns, belittles your worries, or if she/he refuses to engage in an exchange, it is time to chuck him/her, and find one who WILL. Yes, they have good skills, but we would do well to remember that these are skills that we are paying for. It is a PAID SERVICE, like any other, and we have the right to our subsequent expectations. Doctors are human, they DO NOT know everything.

Anyway, check out Mrs.G.--she's too cool for school.

This Week's Music Backtrack

Heaven or Las Vegas by the Cocteau Twins. I am hard-pressed to find a band that I loved more my senior year--except for maybe The Smiths. The Cocteau Twins, my friends Kate and Jill and I, driving around on a Friday night in Kate's dad's brown Econoline van--looking for trouble... More often than not--we found it.

That watery guitar and a voice made of weather. Damn.

Finally, The "After" Shots, And A Quick Catch Up

Despite a few details, every thing's pretty much gelled at my place.
And I've got the photos to prove it. Again, (grrr) the upload isn't happening, so here's a link or two. The living room.
The bedroom.

Saturday night there was a colossal thunder and lightening display here in central IN. It was beautiful and booming and truly awesome. Unfortunately, It also did quite a lot of damage to houses in the area. This may explain why my DSL was out to lunch for most of Sunday, and why I wasn't able to actually publish this particular post ON Sunday, when I began it. I am still hoping to maintain the NoBloPoMo as planned, but there are bound to be hiccups here and there, right?

Grateful thoughts:

1. Today I am grateful for my continued good health. (I actually consider this on an almost daily basis) I am a lot, A LOT better off than many, many people, physically. My Crohn's is still in remission, and I don't have any other major concerns to deal with. Lucky me.

2. Lemon bars. Yum. And not half bad--even out of a box.

55 new ones...here we go.


1. Are you taller than your best friend?
I have two. And they are both taller than me.

2. Do you have a favorite type of pen?
I am actually VERY particular regarding the pens I will use. I like fine, or extra fin-point black ink pens.

3. Look at your planner for November 27, what are you doing?
There is nothing on the books so far.

4. What color are your toenails usually?
Always painted, always some berry/mauve tone or another.

5. What was the last thing you highlighted?
Does underlining count? I underline a lot while I'm reading. Most recently--A Flash Of Lightning in the Dark of Night by HHDL. LOTS of underlining.

6. What color are the curtains in your bedroom?
They are green.

7. What color are the seats in the car?
Some neutral. Maybe gray? Yes, I think they're gray.

8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
No, but I lived with one once. her name was Mustache--Moo for short. All my cats have been tabbys.

9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on?
I honestly can't recall. Ah ha! Holiday cards a couple of years ago.

10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?
Nope.

11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?
To pay Jamie back for dinner.

12. Who is the last baby that you held?
Probably Ruby.

13. Can you spell well?
I am much better than I used to be. But I still rely on spell-check.

14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste?
Sure, I guess, but I prefer mint.

15. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago?
The same Subaru I drive now.

16. Pick one: Dallas Cowboys or New England Patriots?
Dallas Cowboys. (It came first alphabetically)

17. Last time you went to Six Flags?
Never been.

18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?
No.

19. Closest thing to you that is yellow?
Post-its.

20. Last person you gave a business card?
Don't remember. The last time I had business cards was four years ago.

21. Who is the last person you wrote a check to?
My landlord.

22. Closest framed picture to you?
As in, where is it? Or who is it? About two feet from me, and it's my niece, Annabelle.

23. Last time you had someone cook for you?
A few weeks ago. Wraps with sauteed veggies and feta.

24. Have u ever applied for welfare?
Nope.

25. How many emails do you get in your inbox daily (excluding spam)?
Maybe ten.

26. Last time you received flowers?
This past Saturday I received a lovely white orchid from Tim and Christine

29. Has anyone ever proposed to you?
Not officially.

30. Do you take anything in your coffee?
Yes. One sugar and lots of milk.

31. Do you have any Willow Tree figurines?'
I'm not a figurine kind of girl.

32. What is/was your high school's mascot?
The Red Devils

33. Last friend you spoke to in person?
Billy

34. Last time you used hand sanitizer?
I don't believe in hand sanitizer--it's just another product they want you to feel you can't live without. Good ol' soap and water does the job just fine.

35. Would you like to learn to play the drums?
Maybe. They are definitely fun to mess around with.

36. What color are the blinds in your living room?
There are no blinds in my living room.

38. Last thing you read in the newspaper?
Idiotic, (Lafayette, enough said) letters to the editor. Apparently, a lot of people think that if they BELIEVE something to be true, that this is a very fair justification for the direction of public policy. I mean, who needs facts, informed debate and reality?

39. What was the last pageant you attended?
I have never in my life attended a pageant.

40. What is the last place you bought pizza from?
Pizza Hut.

41. Have you ever worn a crown?
Well, a tiara. Some birthday years ago.

42. What is the last thing you stapled?
A credit card receipt at my old job.

43. Did you ever drink clear Pepsi?
Dunno. probably not, though.

44. Are you ticklish?
Sure. Sometimes.

45. Last time you saw fireworks?
A couple of weeks ago at my friends' annual fire party.

46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?
A couple of years ago, there was a KK on my way to work. I would occasionally bring a dozen on Friday mornings to cheer everybody up. It was also a great excuse for being late. How can you be mad at the girl bearing doughnuts?

47. Who is the last person that left you a message & you actually returned?
Christine, I think.

48. Last time you parked under a carport?
Last year when I was feeding Ron's cat.

49. Do you have a black dog?
No. Mine is actually "liver and white". However, that just sounds gross to me. I prefer "cinnamon and snow".

50. Can you give one reason why David Caruso is allowed to keep acting?
Sorry, who is David Caruso?

51. Are you an aunt or uncle?
Yep. Four times over.

52. Who has the prettiest eyes that you know of?
My niece, Abbie. Seriously. The prettiest.

53. Last time you saw a semi truck?
Who knows. And who cares.

54. Do you remember Ugly Kid Joe?
Vaguely. Unfortunately.

55. Do you have a little black dress?
A couple of 'em.

Thursday Three The "Friday" Edition

1. My mother has had two old dining room chairs that once belonged to my grandmother, just sitting out in her garage for years. So I took them home, and last night I painted them green. They look fabulous! I'm not so certain that my grandmother would agree, but as the dead can't very well argue with the living, I think I'm safe from any recrimination. Anyway, they look really cool, and one can never have too much in the way of seating, right?

2. This week I was asked to write the copy for an acquaintance's educational program's mission statement/fund-raising literature. The timing literally could not be any better. This is fantastic in so may respects, but mainly because, A., I'll have another thing to add to my portfolio, and B., I think that this will come very close to paying my rent this month! I also believe it to be a very worthy project, and I am more than happy to be a part of it.

3. Today is just a damn good day. Everything feels easy and manageable for some reason. A little story: When I was in Taiwan for my brother's wedding a few years back, I purchased this amazing print of a Buddha. (I don't know which Buddha he is, and I should probably find out) Nevertheless, it is BEAUTIFUL. The actual painting was gigantic--maybe 16' by 8'. I literally couldn't stop looking at it, there is so much going on in it, with all kinds of symbolic creatures/symbols/flora, etc. And so, anyway, I bought the print, and it is now up on the wall across from my bed.

I was looking at it this AM, and noticed these two, I don't know what they are, or what exactly they symbolize, but we'll call them "benevolent creatures/people" who stand at the feet of the gigantic Buddha, as if to guard him. They are even holding what, at first,look like ornamental spears. I don't think that they are spears, though, as this is the Buddha, and all. But I had this flash: There is NOTHING to guard him from. The whole essence of being a Buddha is that you can pretty much take ANYTHING that life can possibly throw your way. ANYTHING. One can't control what happens on the outside, but is absolutely able to control one's reactions to it. Buddhism seems so simple, and sometimes even simplistic. But this is so far from the truth, at least for me. It is like an "Eastern Psychology" It is essentially behavior modification--a way to subdue the mind.

It's A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood

Today I thought I'd take you on a little tour of my neighborhood. It was going to be visual, however Blogger is not currently allowing me to upload photos. Only the Blogger God (or Goddess) knows why. It is not unusual for some function or another to be "out of order" on this site. For example, I have been attempting to add my bloggy pal, Christine, to my blogroll for quite some time now. But every time I've tried, it been a no go. I don't want to sound too disgruntled--this site is free after all, and I am actually pretty well satisfied with it on the whole. Just sometimes.... Ugh.

So I'll just link to my flickr site instead, and apologies for the back and forth.
This is my house. Built in the late 19th Century, and containing 6 apartments. Most of the houses in this area are very old, absolutely massive, and are now used as rental properties. I love the area, even though it is a bit crumbly, and, yes, somewhat sketchy in places. The streets are wide, the trees ancient, and one can just imagine how stately the area was at one point. Every house is different, too, which makes the area so interesting to walk through. It is an Historic neighborhood. Most of the homes have historic landmark plaques on them. Anyway, the sidewalks are quaintly uneven, and at least some of the landlords--mine included--are fairly good about keeping up the properties.

Another great feature is the new coffee shop that is just around the corner. It literally takes less than a minute for me to walk there. It's locally owned, too, which I very much appreciate. The odd thing is that this same building used to house the local Planned Parenthood. Every time I'm in there, which is a lot, I can't help but recall the dozens of times I've been naked, freezing under a paper sheet, and with my feet encased in pot-holders in that location. Ah, such sweet memories.

And lastly, just for good measure, here's the view from my bathroom window. I love the color of the leaves on the house next door.

I haven't been keeping up with the "Thirty days of Thankful" or whatever it's called. But here are today's gratefulnesses:

1. I am grateful for my friend, Ron, who, when I told him how beautiful I thought his duvet cover was/is, and was subsequently unable to find the same one to purchase, GAVE ME HIS. He's just that kind of person.

2. I am grateful for my long, long, long-time friend, Brad, who is one of the best humans I have ever known, and who always seems know when I need to talk (his ear off).

Party!

This Saturday I am having my much anticipated--at least by me--housewarming party, and I am uber excited! I love playing hostess, I love cooking for others. (though oddly, not so much for myself--it just isn't as much fun for some reason) If I could, I would consume only finger-food for breakfast lunch and dinner. So an hors d'oeuvre spread it is! I'm planning to make sushi with smoked salmon and baked tofu, homemade hummus, lemon bars, and the most AMAZING cookies I've ever tasted--they're called dragon cookies--they are ginger and dark chocolate and are OUT OF THIS WORLD!! (recipe courtesy of my favorite herbalist:)) There will be stinky cheeses, maybe a fall-type soup in the ol' crockpot, and I don't know what else. I have a bit of a tendency to go overboard with this type of thing. But whatever! Fun is fun, right?

I haven't been in a position to throw a party for maybe two years, due to my living situation, and, oh, how I've missed it! Also, it'll be great to have all my friends in one place for a night. Not working has meant that I don't see several of them on a regular basis. Anyway, YAY! I can't wait 'til Saturday!

Yup

Hey There

Because I am a slave to my commitments, (or perhaps I'm just a slave to the idea of being committed--as in, to a mental institution) I will go ahead and write a short post here. But I warn you, it may prove to contain much in the way of whining, and I refuse to be held accountable for the quality of the content.

My eyes hurt. My brain feels like play dough, and is about as useful. I have spent the entire day (seriously, 9:00am--5:00pm) on the computer job-searching, applying, cover-letter writing, and also searching for paying, freelance writing gigs. Because I have been able to make a scant living in a sort of piecemeal fashion these last weeks, I have not been giving as much attention and time to the whole "real" job search as I should have been. And now it's time to pay the piper, or at least the rent, as it were.

Things are good--it's been a productive day--but I am tired and ready for a computer hiatus. So that's all for now. Not much of a post, but I think it'll pass.

Lessons In Stupidity, Or How Wade Had MY "Brush With Greatness" For Me

Throwing muses and Kristen Hersh have been favorites of mine since High School. Together KH and her step-sister, Tanya Donelly, more than anyone else, were my first introduction to women who seriously ROCKED, and rocked their own damn way. TM songs are real art, NOBODY does it like them, and at the tender age of 17, or so, I had never encountered anything that even approached what they were doing musically.

They had artsy and unique album cover designs, obtuse and intense lyrics, a never-before-heard sound, and vocals that were at once beautiful and discordant.
They were cryptic; listening to a TM song was/is an adventure in both sound and meaning. Their music was an invitation for me, to dredge my own depths as a songwriter, to write my OWN formula. And what a gift that is.

I had seen them open for REM in London, and heard then play in Chicago and Portland numerous times, but I'd never had the opportunity to actually meet any of the band members. I didn't really see that as something I was COMPELLED to do. And besides, when it comes down to it, what do you say to someone like that? You know it has all been said before, and I certainly didn't want to come off as some deranged, fanatical stalker. But the truth is that there was a part of me that DID want to say "thank you SO much" or "Your music has changed my life--made it better", I knew I wouldn't, though.

Anyway, one day, during my Portland years, I heard that KH was going to do a signing at a local record store, Music Millennium. So I decided, after some deliberation, to go ahead and make an appearance. I went with my best friend's boyfriend, Wade, who wasn't really a fan, but kindly agreed to come along anyway. We hopped on the Burside bus, and I became progressively, and unexpectedly, more and more nervous as we moved through town.

Love, love, love
her.

Upon our arrival, my fears of being perceived as fanatical were quickly allayed by the guy who stood in front of me in line. He was wearing a homemade laminated vest which was lined with both photos and articles of KH and TM. Just a little bit creepy. All I wanted to do was ask a few quick questions, and get a couple signatures, maybe.

So there I was, weirdo guy in front of me and Wade, behind. We were the last people in line. When it came to be my turn, I kind of froze. I couldn't think of a single thing to say. I got the autograph, mumbled thanks, and moved on. I walked right out of the record store, and waited for Wade to join me. Five minutes...Ten minutes...fifteen minutes later, Wade comes out smiling hugely. I asked him what the hell took him so long?! And it turned out that he'd been talking to Kristen the ENTIRE time. He'd even found out what sign she was! (A Leo, by the way)

Anyway, that's how Wade had MY "brush with greatness" for me. What an idiot.

Things To Consider:

1. Just as surely as destructive habits and negative patterns are brought into being, they can be unlearned, and new, positive ones can take their place. One should never feel rooted in any one position as there is always the capacity for change. We have a good deal more power than we realize.

2. It wasn't my imagination. Wilson-Phillips really did suck. I was on hold yesterday, and was forced to sit and listen to "Hold on" in its entirety. Vapid, predictable, overly produced, devoid of artistry, and as boring and bad for you as McDonald's. Bad music is bad for the soul.

3. Only 442 days remain (well, maybe a few more than that, but officially, only 442 more days) of my having to turn off/turn down the volume of various media at the sound of "W"'s voice. I can't stand the sound of it, I can't stand the content, and having compassion for him is a full-time occupation.

I don't know what to write about today. I generally prefer not to talk too much about my "feelings" here, but as they are all I can seem to focus on right now, I guess I have my topic.

Last night and today(so far) have not been the greatest for me. I am actually feeling quite down. We all have those days where the truth or reality of something is unexpectedly spit into your face. Where you can do nothing but stand there stupidly with saliva in your eye. (no, nobody actually spit on me) With some truths, when we are able to really digest them, there is this immediate almost dilation inside, a physical/spiritual response. The most difficult and effecting of these are those that we may have convinced ourselves (sometimes for years and even lifetimes)to be untrue. I wonder if I am being too circumspect. I am talking about those moments when reality hits you all at once. You didn't anticipate it, you may not have wanted it, but there it is. And you can't go back, and maybe that's even a good thing, but you can't know that yet, because you just feel overwhelmed, sad and maybe scared.

I guess that the real challenge is, what then?

Anyway, this is where I am at the moment, and I don't necessarily see it as a "bad" place to be. Difficult, yes, but not bad.


Things that I am grateful for:

The truth. And friends who will speak it.

How 'Bout A Hot Toddy?

With each day that passes, it's becoming a bit chillier around these parts. During the day it's been in the low 60's, but at night, it's been in the mid-30's. Last evening I turned on the heat for the first time this year--believe you me--I had to really fight myself not to turn it on sooner. But I really am trying to become more conservative with my use/abuse of such resources. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am probably the worst temperature wuss they know--I am sufficiently chilled at 65F. Anyway, I've been doing a lot of layering: tank-top, long-sleeved shirt, wooly sweaters and the like. But there's nothing quite like a dog on one's lap to scare away the cold, and luckily, I've got one of those. I've also been drinking lots of hot drinks, and eating hot things, like soup:
I do realize that it's not that cold yet. In fact, yesterday at the bank, there was a woman in line ahead of me who was wearing flip-flops. (um, hello, CRAZY!) My issues with cold don't even make much sense as my ancestors hail from northern Europe. You'd think, therefore, that I would be evolutionarily equipped to deal with it, but no. I should probably move to, say, San Diego, or Arizona, or, better yet, Belize, but I think I'd miss having real seasons. You can't have it both ways, I suppose.

Some bloggers I know are adding to the NoBloPoMo thing by ending each post by mentioning something that they are grateful for. I thought, why not? I'll do it too!

I am grateful for: My mother, and my sister-in-law--both of these women are fantastic humans.

It's November....Here Goes....

There are all kinds of things crowding my mind today, and I am having trouble deciding which to focus on here. Hmmm. How about pretense, and ideals? That'll work. First, though, a word about "the set up". It was uneventful, not unpleasant, and only awkward at a couple of junctures throughout the evening. As I said previously, I don't really function so well under "set up" type circumstances, so it never really had much of a chance.

Anyway, OK. Pretense and Ideals. Bear with me, please, I'm working this out as I go. I have been thinking quite a lot about ideals, and how they, at least for me, seem to seriously mess with any chances for true/real contentment. So much so that I'm thinking of abandoning them altogether. In this instance I am speaking of those insidious, nettling little whispers that speak of how and who we should be--to the world and to ourselves. Ideals, concepts of "rightness", or "bestness", obviously, are potentially negative, in and of themselves, but more, how they too often translate into self-punishing. "I SHOULD have this", "I SHOULD be that" "they think I should be at point B., but, cripes, I'm at point A...."

This ultimately leads to the pretense part: we create realities to this end--for ourselves and for the benefit of others, we become stars in a show that isn't ours, and isn't authentic, in which we are either white-lying in regard to being in possession of something, (happiness, success, etc.,) or to even just being on the road to possessing it.

These ideals can be ANYTHING: qualities, for example, such as courage, commitment, or wellness. We're told to put on a brave face, to always having a well-reasoned story to tell. People aren't comfortable in the abstract, we crave solidity, and definition. How many times lately have I heard, " So what is it that you're looking to do career-wise?" Most people don't want to hear, "I'm not really certain" or "I'll know it when I see it", or "Honestly? I don't want to discuss it." These kind of responses beg too many questions, and we as a group, don't really appreciate open-endedness or uncertainty. People want to hear that everything is "OK", we all conspire in this impossible notion that everything must be good or close to ideal at all times. But it's the elephant in the room, really, because this is NEVER true for anyone.

Ideals can also be tangible things: how much we weigh or how we look, for instance, how much money we make or have, our age, etc. My father didn't learn the age of his own mother until after she'd died, and he found her naturalization papers hidden away in her attic. People lie about height and weight on driver's licenses, we say, "I'm fine!" with a big, bright grin, even when we're not.

I am by no means touting the wisdom of hemorrhaging one's issues all over another at any given moment. There are obviously appropriate persons, places and times for such things. What I am talking about is changing the way(s) that we interact with the world so that we feel more comfortable with ourselves and our realities, of coming at the world as whole and real and good--even with our weaknesses and shortcomings--of accepting ourselves, just as we are. I don't want to lie anymore. I also wonder when exactly it became gauche to simply tell the truth. Every person alive is fragile in some respect. Every single soul has weaknesses that go along with their strengths.

I also believe that when we present ourselves to the world as something that we are not, we are only perpetuating this whole bogus system. In being habitually inauthentic, we make it even harder for ourselves and for others to be real, we further alienate ourselves AND others. So no more, no war against the self.